Realizations

I am hesitant on whether to put this post out there. It is definitely important to me and probably means more to me than anyone else, which is why I am not sure if it will be a post that actually gets posted. I am good at babbling and bubbling my way through "touchy" things, but I am horrible about expressing "touchy" things in a manner that is clear or meaningful to others. So, I write this post to myself, and if I decide to post it...then, I write to everyone else.

On the way home from Christmas in Colorado and Wyoming, we got into nasty nasty roads and wind. Our normal 8 hour trip took about 12 or so. It was a long frustrating day in the car. I felt bad for Dale because he ended up driving all of it. I hate driving in bad storms and I can't really see too well at night. Anyway, the one benefit this long day provided me with was the opportunity to finish reading the Book of Mormon again before the new year started. Before we left, I was SO close to finishing that was actually going to be sad if I didn't finish. Well, I did finish, and it was a happy moment for me.

So, starting January 2nd, I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon again. This time through, I am looking for specific examples and mentions of FAITH. I feel that despite my faith vs. fear/doubt arguments, that I have pretty strong faith, so I am striving to learn more about it this time through reading the Book of Mormon. In addition to FAITH, I have made a goal with myself to always "liken the scriptures to myself." Whether it is the theme of the entire chapter, story, or a verse, I do not finish my daily personal scripture time until I can answer the "so what?" and/or "what does this mean in my life?" questions. I am not sure if my answers are "correct" by scriptorian standards, but they work for me. So, I knew starting out that my biggest challenge with this would be the Isaiah portions of 2nd Nephi. As many times as I have read the Book of Mormon, I feel like I have never "gleaned" anything from this portion. I wanted to change that this time.

Here is where the title of the post comes into play...sorta...Before I reached this portion, I downloaded John Bytheway's new book "Isaiah for Airheads." I totally am in LOVE with this book. I understand that it is one person's view and interpretation of the Isaiah chapters, but I LOVE the fact that he sets the book up in a manner that I can understand and relate to. I feel like I am learning while reading for once. He also incorporates several quotes and thoughts from General Authorities, past Church presidents, and different secular and BYU scholars. I think he did a fabulous job of integrating his humor with the "serious" nature of the teachings.

So, one chapter in particular stuck out to me this time. It was 2 Nephi 19 or Isaiah 9. In his book, John Bytheway mentions the relation of the wickedness of the Israelites and the Book of Mormon peoples' pride cycle...meaning...both groups of people are prosperous, they are prideful, the refuse to repent, the Lord "destroys" or chastens them, and the Lord's hand is outstretched still. In his book, he then states that we need to be able to discern the same patterns of the pride cycle in our lives and accept the Lord's outstretched hand of mercy and repent before we are "destroyed."

Without going into the personal details of my life, this chapter jolted me. It made me realize that 1 year ago, even 6 months ago, I was not living my life the way I should be. I wasn't breaking covenants or commandments, but I wasn't happy and I was definitely on a downward spiral. I totally could understand and relate to what Isaiah was prophesying to the Israelites as well as how Brother Bytheway interpreted the prophecy in his book....now the "touchy" part.

Part 1) We lost Ryan. I do NOT for one minute believe that Heavenly Father "took" Ryan Home to "punish" me or to "awaken" me to the wrong direction my life was heading. I don't believe that is the way Heavenly Father's loving Plan works. I believe that Ryan was needed in His presence for a special purpose and mission. But losing Ryan was in fact a wake up call for me. My life wasn't perfect before we lost Ryan and it is not perfect now, but losing him made me wake up and realize what I needed to do and what I needed to change if I wanted Ryan to be part of my life. Everyday is a struggle, but I am so grateful that I can at least learn this one lesson from his passing...and that is that the "Lord gives men weakness to make them humble" and that the through the Atonement those weaknesses can become strengths and we can repent before we are "destroyed." I sit here now-after reading 2 Nephi 19 (pride cycle/destruction) & 2 Nephi 23 (ridding our lives of "Babylonian" influences)-and I know, without a doubt that I personally would have been "destroyed" if not for the sad loss of Ryan. It is just the plain fact of where the downward spiral was turning. So, I still can not (maybe not ever) say that I am grateful for his passing because that hurts and I miss him too much, but I am grateful I have been able to learn and grow and CHANGE from it.

Part 2) (of realizations) I have realized over the last week that in a sense, time has stood still for me. I know that in the Spirit World, Ryan is learning, growing, changing, working, etc. I know that in the resurrection I will (and Dale) have the opportunity to raise him from a baby providing we live worthy to do so. But time has not moved on for me when I think of him. I look at all the wonderful precious babies around me that were born within weeks or days of Ryan and it hit me over the head the other day. "My baby would be crawling! My baby would be doing this or that!" I have not allowed myself to think about where he would be at in his life if he was living. He is still my little 5.5 month old baby that was learning to eat and sit up while spitting up in the process. Now I don't share this to make all my friends with babies think that I am sad being around your babies...so PLEASE don't start avoiding me or hiding your babies! It is just part of the "learning to cope process" that I have just begun to cross. In all other areas of my life, time has moved on...I have continued to run further, work out, lose weight, build muscle, start a "business", see RJ learn and progress, learn new facts and things, etc...the list goes on. It is just the part of my life with Ryan that has stood still. Now that I realize it, I have been kinda sad as I think of the fact that Ryan would be 10 months old now, that he would be on the verge of walking, that he would be into everything, that he would be trying new "words," etc...again the list could go on.

So, those are my realizations. I know this post is meant for me. I needed to put these thoughts into words and get them down on paper.

One happy quote to close a sorta "doom" post.
Ezra Taft Benson: "One of the trials of life is that we do not usually receive immediately the full blessing for righteousness or the full cursing for wickedness. that it will come is certain, but oft times there is a waiting period that occurs...During this testing time, the righteous must continue to love God, trust in His promises, be patient, and be assured."