As I have mentioned, everyone copes in their own way. This post will contain a couple more quotes that have helped me, thoughts on the "actual" grieving process, how I am coping, and finally, a vent session. I can not guarantee that that is the order in which this post will flow though. I also can not guarantee how long or short this post will be.
So, I still have been reading books. The process has been going slow because I usually only have an hour to read at night. Anyway, in the latest book that I am reading I have come across a couple more quotes that have really helped bring me comfort and peace again.
Elder Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable...and it is through...toil and tribulation that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."
President George Q. Cannon: "No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character...We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters' but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them, if we only trust in our God and keep His commandments."
In the "actual" grieving process, there are 4 stages that people pass through. There are "normal" time periods for each stage for when a grieving person encounters the stage and about how long the stage lasts. I use "normal" loosely. I am not a doctor. I have never read or studied clinical research. I just maintain that each person grieves differently and will experience the stages at different paces and lengths. What is "normal" in a study, probably won't be "normal" to me or to Dale or to another person. The four stages are:
Stage 1: Shock and Numbness. Feelings of guilt and being overwhelmed are common.
Stage 2: Searching and Yearning. Why the tragedy happened. Searching for what has been lost.
Stage 3: Disorientation and Disorganization. Lack of appetite or overeating. Loss of interest in appearance, difficulty making decisions, and a reluctance to go out.
Stage 4: Reorganization. Life does go on and the grieving person is able to enjoy life again.
I have been more or less all over this process. I, personally, don't think that I have followed the stages in numerical order. I know that I am over the shock and numbness of losing Ryan and what happened for the most part. I still have some guilty feelings though that I am trying to overcome. As I have mentioned in other posts about losing my family, I refuse to ask why when something happens. I just know with my personality that asking will lead me to doubt and shaken faith. I yearn to hold Ryan though. I often hold and cuddle with RJ or pillows now. Stage 3 is hard for me to judge. I have never really cared about appearance. The only thing (so far) that I can associate with this stage is that I feel like I never accomplish anything. I HAVE to make "to-do" lists and I feel like they just get added to. I am definitely no where near stage 4 yet. So, my point is that I think that I am constantly hitting at or on all these stages.
That being said. I have been getting comments lately about how strong I am and how well I am doing. I get comments of concern about not taking the time to grieve. I in NO way take offense to these types of comments or other similar ones. I do, however, find them annoying. Over this post and my previous one, I have tried to emphasize that everyone copes and mourns in their own way. I deal with it privately. Just because I don't break down in public doesn't mean that I am "over it" or "doing well". Just like every other loss in my life, I make a conscious effort every day to get out of bed and go on with the day. I am not saying that I do not appreciate people's concern. I just hope everyone realizes that I am coping in my own way and I hope people can respect that.
I do LOVE to write. I am not saying that I am a good writer, but I enjoy it. I love filling pages. I feel that when I write, I can express myself however I want. There is no act. There is no judgment. There is just me and my blog or journal. That being said, the main way that is helping me cope is writing. I have filled pages and pages in my journal since this event. Many of which are WAY more personal and in depth then these blog posts. The other thing that I am currently writing is a life history for Ryan. I want his life and memories to be kept alive. I know that RJ will always remember he has a brother because of pictures, but I want the stories and memories to be there as well. When I am finished writing/typing it, I am going to add favorite pictures throughout it, and then get it printed and bound. This writing has helped me probably in more ways than I can express. Writing is very therapeutic.
So, I think that I am done with my vents now. Just know that we have faith and that we are grateful for our many blessings. Yes, even in this difficult time, we have seen, experienced, and felt truly amazing blessings in our life.
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