Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

I am usually not a huge vocal supporter of causes even though I do support several as there have been several "causes" that have touched me personally in so many ways.  October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month.  Because of the loss of Ryan, this month is very special to me. 

I have been struggling with this post because it is a "public" blog, but I also know that I do not have very many readers.  That being said, I have always documented our life on here thinking that some day I will print it out.  So, I sit here for the 3rd day in a row, wanting to type something profound or meaningful, but not really coming up with the words to say what I want.

Both within in my personal family and within my circle of friends, I have been close with those that have experienced still birth, miscarriages, SIDs, little ones that have survived birth but still never made it home from the hospital, and those born so premature that their little bodies can't survive.  With all cases, the loss is felt by the family.  Some cases the loss is harder to deal with than others.  No matter the loss, every person can be affected differently and at different levels.  Through my own experience with a loss as a result of SIDs, you always feel the loss and the ache for what  you know you are missing in this life.

Now for more personal stuff...I will try not to get too detailed or "graphic".

Recently, and perhaps somewhat ironically that it is in October, I have experienced the type of loss medically termed as a blighted ovum.  We went through about 2 months of ups and downs thinking that there was a pregnancy in our family to being told it might not be.  As most women can relate, you miss a cycle, you take a home pregnancy test (or 2 or 3), you see the positive, you get excited, you tell the hubby and/or family at some point, you make doctor appointments along the way, etc.  Every expectant mother goes through some similar motion or cycle.  With us, I went through all that and 3 ultra sounds before it was determined that I probably had a blighted ovum.  All the pregnancy symptoms are present, including high hCG levels-so blood testing is out.  So for 1 solid month, we had the excitement of being expectant parents, and then we had 2.5 weeks of not knowing what was going on.  Finally, my body decided for me and the doctors by kicking out all the tissue in the miscarriage process. 

It has been an emotional battle-mainly because this was the "first pregnancy" since Ryan's death, but at the same time it is a great relief knowing FOR SURE that I am not pregnant and that my body can heal.  It was so frustrating for those 2+ weeks of not knowing what was happening.  Though the end result was not what we wanted, it was still a relief knowing for sure.  Now is the part that is kind of sensitive and it is my own personal feelings.  I mean no offense or insensitivity to any person that may have experienced a blighted ovum.  The American Pregnancy Society states that most causes of a blighted ovum are chromosomal/DNA issues that can lead to an unhealthy fetus.  The Society states that the blighted ovum is just the body's way of responding to the abnormalities and not allowing the pregnancy to continue.  It makes me grateful that I only had to miscarry tissue and the embryo/fetus had not been developed yet.  If the reasoning the Society states was the case for us, then I am also grateful that things ended this way and that I don't have the risk of an unhealthy baby.  I say that respectfully because I would love all my children regardless of any or all developmental or health issues they would or would not be born with. 

Anyway, the point to all this is that I have experienced "loss" in a new sense.  It is a one that I hope can make me more sensitive and understanding to my friends and family that have also or will also miscarry.  It has been painful, physically, but luckily I have a pretty high tolerance pain level.  I do not type this to try to "chalk" up another loss on my never-ending (seemingly) list of losses in my life or to try to gain more sympathy.  Mainly, I type this for myself- as words are one of my primary means expressing grief and frustration.  Typing allows me research and understanding...to work through my own emotions. 

Finally, I want to end by saying let's take time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home but did not stay. ♥