Is it really worth it?

Ok, so I am just a little bit frustrated today. I know the cause of my frustration is something all families go through, so I am not looking to try to make myself seem different or any more important than anyone else. I just need to vent, so I can get on and enjoy my Sabbath Day. Since I am venting, there will be no consistent thought process or flow to this blog.

So, like any hunting family knows, the fall and winter seasons bring weekends and weekends of alone time. For me, it is a blessing and a curse. I love that Dale gets to get out to the mountains and camp and have fun--I know it is what he enjoys. I love that when he fills his tags it means that we have meat for another year. I also love the times when I get to go out and hike and camp with him--something that I didn't get to do when we were first married because I couldn't miss classes. Now, however, it's a curse. I don't get to go because it is usually either too cold, boring, or far for RJ to walk (or all the above). So, I get to sit at home with RJ. I love my little boy to death, but it is just so hard to be here week after week after week alone with him-with no break except for when we both sleep. Today was especially hard. It is Sunday.

Now-here is where many families can relate. You wake up in the morning; you prepare yourself for the day; you feed yourself and/or your families breakfast; you leave and head to Church; you get to Church; you sit down for oh maybe 20 minutes (if you're lucky). Then you leave. The screaming kid and the hallway beacon to you. Then you get to spend the next 2.5 hours in the hallway wondering around visiting with other parents in your same situation all the while asking yourself, "Is it really worth it?"

Now, I only have my one son. I admire my friends and family members who have 4 or 5 or 6 kids and the years that they have spent doing this ritual every Sunday. Dale and I do not have Sunday callings, so when we are both there, we take turns walking the halls and/or caring for RJ. This is nice because it means that every other week one of us gets to attend our classes. Today, however, is hunting season. Dale is gone. He will be gone next week, too. Days like today, I just want to hang my head and cry all the while asking, "Is it really worth it?"

Dale and I have this debate almost every week. Since he is not here, my blog gets the debate. My side of the debate is usually along these lines. We have to teach him while he is young that he has to be at Church. If he gets to stay in the hallway or gets to come home, then he will think that all he has to do is scream and he can leave. I want my children to know that going to Church is important and how can they know if they get to come home? Now, Dale's side of the debate is usually along these lines. He is little. He is tired. He needs his nap. It is ok to bring home so he can sleep.

I am not saying that either of us is right or wrong. I do think that every family has to do what they think is the best. So, usually on my weeks with the baby, I take him to the "baby" nursery(the junior nursery at our Church for 18 month-2 years old) as long as he can handle being in there. Some weeks it is 10 minutes and other weeks it is the full 2 hours. On Dale's weeks, he usually just brings him home. Since I was alone today, after spending 30 minutes in the hallway, I just gave in and brought him home. Nothing was working! Nothing! No milk, no snacks, no books, no walking, no holding--Nothing! RJ is usually pretty even tempered. Something usually works. Worse case scenario, I walk outside with him for 5 minutes and he is happy. Today, even that made him scream. So we came home.

As soon as we got home, what happens? I have a happy, smiley, playful little boy again! Grr! This is why I hate bringing him home. I think that he thinks he can cry at Church and get to come home because he knows it is fun and he can play. It is so frustrating!

Two or three months ago, our Bishop was talking. Again, it was one of the weeks that I was out in the hallway with a screaming kid--Actually, RJ still had a bottle then, so I was in the Mother's lounge trying to feed him and rock him to sleep. Anyway, Bishop was talking about the whole battle with the children. What a coincidence! So, while I was sitting there with a couple other moms with a screaming baby, Bishop was asking in relation to this very topic, "Is it really worth it?" He related a couple stories from he and his wife's life as well as a couple from observation from years sitting on the stand watching the congregation. I don't remember his entire talk or message, but, paraphrasing, his bottom line was this. "Yes, it is worth it. It is worth it even if you are walking the hallway for 3 hours. It is worth it if you are standing in the back of the chapel for an hour because your child refuses to sit. It is worth it because you are where you are supposed to be. Even if it doesn't feel like it is worth it, it is because our Savior is watching over us and partaking of the Sacrament is one of the most important things we can do weekly. "

So, when I have bad days such as today, I hang my head and cry. I came home and put the baby in his crib and feel guilty for being home and not at Church. I feel like I am not teaching him what is right. Ever since I came home, I have been telling myself, "It is worth it. He will not be a baby forever."

Okay, I am better. I am just one of these people who has to say whatever I need to say--no matter how rushed and rambled--and then I am fine.